Gates: Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Speech Of A Desi School Master
Chemical Analyst About Women
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you b^&%h". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your a^&".Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're an idiot!"
2. After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."
3. While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"Other passengers left_inner their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs."Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"The pilot said they were.The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?""There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
4. An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left_inner. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York." A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left_inner. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
5. Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
6. A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?""Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking."HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!""Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
7. What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
8. A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?""I just shut down two engines, kid."
9. "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
10. Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
11. A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
12.A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle." I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time?"
Laloo: Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates: At home have u installed Windows?
Laloo: I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house.
Laloo: I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house.
Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo: OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Laloo: OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates(Sweating): Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates: By the year 2010 India should export computer chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates(Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo: RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Laloo: RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave.
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave.
Gates: I have no energy left_inner, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting. Please wait............."
Husband and Wife
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card,i can do some shopping
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad’s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card,i can do some shopping
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad’s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.
Speech Of A Desi School Master
A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech:
Leddies and Gentulmens,
Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly
speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and
at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible
for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it.
Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of
Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease.
Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college. The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools.
Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise.
If you have flare in English, you can become teacher. I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and
thank God I am finished.
Leddies and Gentulmens,
Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly
speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and
at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible
for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it.
Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of
Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease.
Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college. The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools.
Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise.
If you have flare in English, you can become teacher. I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and
thank God I am finished.
Hindi Movies And Computer
Hamara Hardisk Aapke Paas Hai
Hum Aapke Memory Mein Rahate Hain
Hum Hai Programmer Oracle Ke
Programmer no 1
Java Wale Job Le Jayenge
Do(2) processor baarah(12) terminal
Mera Code Chal Gaya
Network Ke Uss Paar
Jis Desh Mein Bill(Gates) Rahata Hai
Client Ek Numbari, PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari
Login Karo Sajana
Firewall (Border)
DOWN To Hona Hi Tha
Partition (Deewar)
Kaho Na Virus Hay
Y2K - A Bug Story
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 - 160 lbs.
Occurence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered in a painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given proper treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
5) Found in various states.
Chemical Properties:
1) Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and other precious metals.
2) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances.
3) Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
Uses:
1) Highly ornamental especially in sports cars.
2) Most poweful money-reducing agent known to man.
Tests:
1) Pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2) Illegal to possess more than one except in certain areas
Pilot Jokes
1. On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you b^&%h". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your a^&".Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're an idiot!"
2. After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."
3. While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"Other passengers left_inner their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs."Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"The pilot said they were.The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?""There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
4. An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left_inner. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York." A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left_inner. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
5. Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
6. A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?""Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking."HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!""Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
7. What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
8. A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?""I just shut down two engines, kid."
9. "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
10. Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
11. A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
12.A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle." I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time?"
No comments:
Post a Comment